10 years

Anniversaries have always been a big deal to me. I love going out with my husband and looking back on where the past years have brought us. Our day to day lives have grown together and changed so much over the past 10 years. I remember thinking our 10 year anniversary was forever away. It's amazing how fast it snuck up on us.

John and I got married when we were 17 and 18 years old. We made certain choices and ended up pregnant with our daughter at the end of my senior year of high school. John insisted we get married, and since I didn't want to be changing diapers by myself at 3am, I agreed. We were married in August, and KJ was born in November. John spent his first year of marriage and of fatherhood finishing his senior year of high school. He had to learn how to balance being a father, husband, provider, and student all at the same time. Our first 2 years were so fun, I look back on that time and think to myself how much the Lord blessed us and how much growth we had  as individuals and as a couple. We were these super young parents trying to raise our daughter and figure out this whole marriage thing. Doing things on our own and attempting to make decisions together. Learning how each other thinks and responds to life. We both still had growing up to do and in the culture and society we live in, we were so much in the minority. You're not expected to handle that much responsibility until later in life. Young people are encouraged to go to college, take time for yourself, "enjoy" one another before having kids. There were challanges, but these first two years I remember and look back on as being bright and full of hope. John and I really did "like" each other and enjoyed spending time together. 

Life is full of ups and downs, and there were many times in our 3-5 years of marriage where I thought we weren't going to make it. Hands down, there were many many struggles where we both wanted to just throw in the towel and be done. Many of these fights and struggles were fed by our selfish needs or desires. Wanting something one way, or expecting certain things from life and not being able to stand together on common ground. We would make choices just to push each other's buttons and selfishness had control of our marriage many times. Never was there sin in our marriage that was dangerous to either of us. We would just disagree. We would fight, and fight hard. We pushed each other. But it was sin of selfishness that was causing strife in our marriage during that time. I know there are marriages where couples deal with different kinds of abuse or unfaithfulness. I cannot speak to those types of situations, but in my years where I struggled with my marriage, it was because of something I needed to personally work on. Not saying John was perfect and I wasn't. I am simply not responsible for the choices my husband makes. He is as imperfect as I am. I cannot change him. I can only focus on me and try to see the areas where God wants me to grow and change. 

But in those years that we battled it out, in the back of my mind, I knew we would always come through it. I always thought we would get to the other side stronger and more connected. We had vowed to God to stay committed, and we both took that very seriously. I knew we had small children, and I never wanted to be a failure. The "I told you so" mentality of being these young parents drove me to prove people wrong in those early years of marriage. I wasn't going to walk away from John and give people the satisfaction of being right about us choosing to marry so young. And it wasn't just our families, but society in general. And because of that, I didn't share my struggles with anyone. I didn't have someone to give me the Godly wisdom I needed because I was afraid of people judging my marriage. When I think back on our collage years, I always remember feeling weighed down or heavy. I felt resistance in life, like I was running in water. Literally, having the feeling of something pushing against me. The resistance to run the race that was set before me and not having the ability to realize what that was. 

Our Christian walk is described as a race in Hebrews 12. Marriage is also a race. The journey and steps taken every single day to finish that day strong. Marriage is used as an example of our relationship with Christ. The husband is to the wife as Christ is to the church. God created marriage as an example for us to use in our day to day lives. The personal relationship we share. The trust and complete confidence. Facing the challenges together.

When we would hit bumps, or I found myself "out of sync" with my husband, I tried to understand and realize it was a time for me to grow. A time for me to put my faith in the Lord and have the endurance to get to the next valley. It's wasn't a time to blame John (and oh how much I wanted to!) I found that when I was willing to look at myself during those hard times and try to see what the Lord was challenging me to work on, things would start to get better. I spent years trying to change my husband and attempting to make him see things my way. Marriage doesn't work that way. I cannot look at my husband, blame him for everything, and not look at myself to see what changes I can and SHOULD be making. It's easy to find fault in others.. it's hard to look at yourself and say these are the things I need to change, and change them. 

Our married years of 6-8 were wonderful. We both made changes and we both began seeking the Lord more in our everyday lives. We saw growth and beauty come from our time serving God and each other instead of only ourselves. We had finally learned to grow together.  We both realized we had desires for life that weren't going to fit in the plan that God had for us. Compromise became easier, and specifically for me, I felt myself relax into my role as a helper. I love supporting my husband in what he is doing. Spending time doing the things that he loves to do, working along side him.

 These good, solid years led up to our 9th year. Which was the hardest year of marriage yet. Looking back I am so thankful for those 2-3 years of growth in our marriage before the next season of trials. Christ is the cornerstone of my life and of my marriage. He is the very foundation that I rest my entire world on. I was so thankful that he had built up my faith and my marriage in those previous years to withstand the storm headed our way. John and I were rooted together in Him. God blessed me with this amazing man, who He trusted to support, encourage, and comfort me.

Year 9 was a really hard year. Life and sin took ahold of everything we had and shook it to the ground. The Lord was challenging us as parents. He was challenging us as individuals. And he was challenging us as a couple. Through out our uphill climb, John and I kept our eyes on each other, on our girls, and on our God. As a wife and mother I grew in so many ways. Through my anger I was able to find forgiveness and healing. I focused my eyes on my Lord and on my husband. God blessed me with this wise man to lead me. He called my husband to be responsible over me and our family. John and I found comfort in each other, and at the same time, God had us both wrapped tightly in his arms. I just kept remembering that someday, we would look back on our time scaling that steep mountain life stuck in our way, and we would be able to see how we grew and what we learned. We could look back at the mistakes, trials, and fears we faced during that time and be proud of how far we had come. We could be thankful for the shaping and molding the Lord did in us.

And that we had arrived on the other side together.

Never quitting, always trusting in God to get us to the next valley. The endurance He provides in our lives is unmatched by any earthly desire or longing. He will always pull you through, it may not be in the way you want or the way you think it needs to be done, but He will get you through the hard times. Always.

Here John and I are, cuddled together on the eve of our 10th wedding anniversary. Looking back on all of our memories we have shared together these past 10 years. I'm blessed to be able to say we are in the best place we have ever been as a couple. I love my husband so very much. I'm thankful for the man that God has and is continually molding him into. Our growth together over the past 10 years could only have been accomplished through the grace of God and His love for John and I and our marriage. The Lord wants to see our marriage succeed. God wants our marriage to be blessed. That doesn't mean that life will be perfect, or that our sin won't get in the way of God's perfect plan. We live in a fallen world. We all fall short.. But I'm thankful for a God and a husband who take me as I am. I don't have to be perfect, not in life or in my marriage. I do strive to be the woman God calls me to be, but I'm not perfect. Jesus died on that cross just as much for me as he did for you.

So what's the secret to a long and happy marriage? Well... I'd say trusting the Lord with your whole heart is a good place to start. Let him drive your marriage. Be willing to face those mountains and hills together, because the view from the top is so much better when you can share it with the one God made for you.

Happy 10th wedding anniversary John Richard. I love you and am so thankful we have stuck together so we can celebrate this day together. Here's to 70 more.

Just an extrovert learning to be still.

Over the last year, I've felt my life become almost rehearsed. I felt myself begin to get comfortable. I knew what my days would look like and what was planned. Life revolved around the kids schedules, school, sports, AWANAS.. Life trucks along, and everyday I would think,

Oh, I'd like to change that.

Or 

Oh, I wish I could make more time for that. 

Oh, next week I'll begin working on that. 

From making more quiet time with the Lord, to taking an evening walk with my family, I felt myself desiring to do them, but not being willing to step out of my routine I had established for my day. It probably sounds funny to some of you.. adding an evening walk?? That doesn't sound too difficult.

But something in my brain just wouldn't let me. Life was rolling along just fine, I was content, sure, there were things I would like to do differently or thought about doing differently, but my life was working. Why rock the boat.  And it had NOTHING to do with my body image or the way I was feeling about myself. (That's another blog post entirely if we are being real)

I started to feel the Lord calling me to make a few small changes. Get up an hour earlier, take an evening walk, give Him more of your time. I started making the connection, that the desires (or habits) I was wanting to add to my life, mostly revolved around setting up some quiet time into my day. The Lord wanted me to give him some quiet time. 

My TIME!?!? Lord? You want my time??? And you want me to be still? Not busy? 

Oh I just don't know about that. My time is everything to me. My time with my kids, with my husband, with our businesses. I keep super busy, and I LOVE it. The more the better, sure I love a good break once in a while, but I'm an extrovert. I want people, I want chaos, I want interaction. 

But quiet time by myself?? Sure I love a good bath once in a while, or a trip to see my sister for a few days alone. But devoted time everyday to be still and quiet. That is difficult for me. I feel the Lord calling me to take that time. I know He wants it from me, and I fight it with every inch of my being. I'm up in the morning and I'm going, finding something to do, something to accomplish. 

The idea of sitting in a comfy chair, with a cup or chai, and my bible with soft music playing sounds AMAZING. And in my head I can imagine how it would go. But getting myself to act on it, that's another story. The Lord wants my time. I know He does. He wants me to be still. He wants me to stop and fix my eyes and ears on him. And I fight him. He's been pulling at me this past year, and I struggle giving Him what he asks of me. Quiet time with God does not come easy for me, and it's not because I have 4 kids.. I have the time. I can make the time. He more than deserves my time, it's because of Him I have time. And I'm grateful for that. 

I have started looking at my life and thinking, what goals am I setting for myself? What am I doing to work on me as a Christian, wife, and mother? I'm a good mom and a great wife. I work hard everyday. I never thought slowing down would be my problem. But the Lord is calling me to take a step back, a deep breath, and be still. Be quiet. He wants me to listen. The Creator of the universe, the One who created me, wants me. He wants me in his word. I've prayed he can change my attitude, change my hardened heart. I want Him to take my unwillingness to change and change it! 

My family is making a huge move to a very, very small town. I've struggled with the fact that my kids will be leaving their  friends and activities. One of my first priorities was to make sure I would be able to fill those activities with new opportunities for them. If we can't do this then we will do that. I've struggled with leaving my friends and family, my people. I love my friends. Currently I know 1 family where we are going.

As I've processed this move over the past two weeks, I've gone from being sad and (a little angry) to being ecstatic! All this time of being afraid to rock my boat, or slow down. The Lord is now providing me with a home away from the distractions I have allowed in my life. A blank canvas to create the time for Him. I've been fighting this idea of "stillness" and "quiet" for so long. Don't get me wrong, my kids and I will still be involoved in many various activities. I'm an extrovert.. bring on the people! God made me to LOVE people. He made me to love being busy. He created me to serve him and to be active in our lives. But he also has called me to obey his commands for my life. I know He wants my quiet time. I know He wants me to be still and listen to Him.

So here goes nothing!! 

I'm a God created extrovert, learning to be still and quiet. I'm learning to listen. And I cannot wait to see where He takes me.