Just an extrovert learning to be still.

Over the last year, I've felt my life become almost rehearsed. I felt myself begin to get comfortable. I knew what my days would look like and what was planned. Life revolved around the kids schedules, school, sports, AWANAS.. Life trucks along, and everyday I would think,

Oh, I'd like to change that.

Or 

Oh, I wish I could make more time for that. 

Oh, next week I'll begin working on that. 

From making more quiet time with the Lord, to taking an evening walk with my family, I felt myself desiring to do them, but not being willing to step out of my routine I had established for my day. It probably sounds funny to some of you.. adding an evening walk?? That doesn't sound too difficult.

But something in my brain just wouldn't let me. Life was rolling along just fine, I was content, sure, there were things I would like to do differently or thought about doing differently, but my life was working. Why rock the boat.  And it had NOTHING to do with my body image or the way I was feeling about myself. (That's another blog post entirely if we are being real)

I started to feel the Lord calling me to make a few small changes. Get up an hour earlier, take an evening walk, give Him more of your time. I started making the connection, that the desires (or habits) I was wanting to add to my life, mostly revolved around setting up some quiet time into my day. The Lord wanted me to give him some quiet time. 

My TIME!?!? Lord? You want my time??? And you want me to be still? Not busy? 

Oh I just don't know about that. My time is everything to me. My time with my kids, with my husband, with our businesses. I keep super busy, and I LOVE it. The more the better, sure I love a good break once in a while, but I'm an extrovert. I want people, I want chaos, I want interaction. 

But quiet time by myself?? Sure I love a good bath once in a while, or a trip to see my sister for a few days alone. But devoted time everyday to be still and quiet. That is difficult for me. I feel the Lord calling me to take that time. I know He wants it from me, and I fight it with every inch of my being. I'm up in the morning and I'm going, finding something to do, something to accomplish. 

The idea of sitting in a comfy chair, with a cup or chai, and my bible with soft music playing sounds AMAZING. And in my head I can imagine how it would go. But getting myself to act on it, that's another story. The Lord wants my time. I know He does. He wants me to be still. He wants me to stop and fix my eyes and ears on him. And I fight him. He's been pulling at me this past year, and I struggle giving Him what he asks of me. Quiet time with God does not come easy for me, and it's not because I have 4 kids.. I have the time. I can make the time. He more than deserves my time, it's because of Him I have time. And I'm grateful for that. 

I have started looking at my life and thinking, what goals am I setting for myself? What am I doing to work on me as a Christian, wife, and mother? I'm a good mom and a great wife. I work hard everyday. I never thought slowing down would be my problem. But the Lord is calling me to take a step back, a deep breath, and be still. Be quiet. He wants me to listen. The Creator of the universe, the One who created me, wants me. He wants me in his word. I've prayed he can change my attitude, change my hardened heart. I want Him to take my unwillingness to change and change it! 

My family is making a huge move to a very, very small town. I've struggled with the fact that my kids will be leaving their  friends and activities. One of my first priorities was to make sure I would be able to fill those activities with new opportunities for them. If we can't do this then we will do that. I've struggled with leaving my friends and family, my people. I love my friends. Currently I know 1 family where we are going.

As I've processed this move over the past two weeks, I've gone from being sad and (a little angry) to being ecstatic! All this time of being afraid to rock my boat, or slow down. The Lord is now providing me with a home away from the distractions I have allowed in my life. A blank canvas to create the time for Him. I've been fighting this idea of "stillness" and "quiet" for so long. Don't get me wrong, my kids and I will still be involoved in many various activities. I'm an extrovert.. bring on the people! God made me to LOVE people. He made me to love being busy. He created me to serve him and to be active in our lives. But he also has called me to obey his commands for my life. I know He wants my quiet time. I know He wants me to be still and listen to Him.

So here goes nothing!! 

I'm a God created extrovert, learning to be still and quiet. I'm learning to listen. And I cannot wait to see where He takes me.